Waiting for it to feel different

Today is my birthday. I almost forgot. In the whirlwind of our lives in the last 3 1/2 weeks, my birthday (which I usually LOVE to celebrate) got lost in the back of my mind with more pressing issues at the front.

Like... how do I know how much to put in my daughter's bottle? do I let her cry a little or rock her until she is sound asleep and then put her in the bassinet? what if she doesn't burp her loud burps every time she eats? should she wear a cap every night to bed or will she be warm enough without it? should I worry that she slept 5 1/2 hours at a stretch and didn't eat inbetween? when will I feel different then I did a month ago?

See that's the thing I am waiting for the most. Will it happen when her room is all ready and I have no more running around errands to do? Will it happen if I just say no to everything and hang out for a few days in the house with her? ( I think I'd go a little stir crazy at that). Will it happen when the 30 days are over? How do I combat almost 3 years of struggles, pain, frustration, setbacks, and loss of time in less than a month? How do I make up for 9 months of gestation to plan, anticipate, complain, and get excited?

I sit here on my birthday that I almost forgot having had a deliciously wonderful day filled with lots of phone calls, cards, lunch with my mom and daughter, a dinner date with my husband, warm wishes from all my in-laws, a delightful conversation with my sister, and being sung to by my 2 1/2 year old nephew.

My gorgeous daughter is asleep in our room. I am experiencing a good tired from a busy day and although I was full of instructions for the babysitters (aka Grandma and Grandpa) I still am waiting for the moment in which I no longer feel like I am borrowing someone else's child and I begin to internalize the beauty of this miraculous event and all that happened in this time, then realize that my life as I knew it is gone. "Today is where my book begins and the rest is unwritten." (Unwritten. Natasha Bedingfield).