Nov 29, 2006

Somedays It's Just EASIER

What makes one day easier than the one before?

So last night my daughter fussed and fidgeted and fought off an evening nap from 6:30 - 9:30 PM. The hours her Daddy was teaching his Hebrew High class and she was stuck with Mommy after being with her ALL DAY long.

We had a busy day of Target, Costco, the bank, and the post office before a baby shower at SDSU (Daddy's work). Then we went with Grandma and Grandpa to the Dinner Studio to make some yummy food for the freezer when it's too hard to cook. When we got home we had dinner and then Daddy left. Maybe that's what made her mad? Maybe being in the car seat for a bit too long? Maybe because Daddy left? Whatever it was... it was a long evening.

We tried the sling...worked for 15 mins until the sleeping beauty was put down in the sling to let mommy do some things. We tried the swing...both ways. 15 minutes tops. Back to the sling until mommy's back was aching. We tried the bouncey... 5 minutes. We tried the beloved Rainforest gym.... 2 minutes. We tried bouncing in Mommy's arms... we tried laying down on the bed. We even tried a bottle. NOTHING WORKED people!

Daddy came home and all was better because HE got to figure out how to soothe the baby while Mommy picked up the house, did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen. It's not like I had a show to watch on TV or a book to curl up with! She slept fairly well; waking up at 2 AM and 4:45 AM. The 4:45 AM was a cry for hugs not food and she got her wish by snuggling with Mommy until she woke up at 7:10 AM. Now, if we could get her to do that in her own bed!

Then there was this AM. . . my happy, smiling, delightful daughter awoke well rested at 7:10 AM and played until 8 AM. She had breakfast and got dressed and played some more until we left for our first play group at 10 AM. We were out all day long today too and Savta babysat at 3:45 PM so we could go to acupuncuture. She was the same sort of fussy for Savta but no where near what she was like last night. We just fed her a late night snack and she went to bed, awake and with no crying.

I just wish I could figure out how what makes today easier and duplicate it every day!

Nov 14, 2006

Turning the Corner

Hadarya is now 5 1/2 weeks old and I feel like a mom for real. Sometime in the last week, I've turned that corner and no longer feel like I am just babysitting.
It might be that I walked in the 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk over the weekend and Daddy took care of her during the day while I was moving through the streets of the city. I actually began to feel sad for her by the end of day 2 and wanted nothing more than to hold her and sit with her snug to me.
It might be that she has begun to focus and track and therefore is more interactive.
It might be that she has begun eating a ton more and my family noticed that she needed to be fed more before I did and I felt like a terrible mom that I wasn't feeding her enough! Those guilt feelings that her crying in the evening is linked to hunger (even though she does 4 oz every 4 hours) made me feel so much more responsible for her well being.
It might be that I've been getting out more with friends with kids and that makes me feel more like a mom.
It might be that she has calmed down when in my arms after not seeing much of me for a few days.
It might be that she is so frickin adorable I can't begin to describe it to anyone and that photos do not do her justice.

Whatever it is that makes me feel gooey inside when I look at her, smiley when I see her face, giddy when she stretches, and sad when she is gone from me for too long.... I like it.

It means that I am now M O M .

Nov 8, 2006

Day 31

Today this baby in my house is 32 days old and it's the 31st day since her birth mom signed the papers. That means that the baby in my house is for reals my daughter now and not going anywhere. That means that I just have to wait for the courts to catch up to their paperwork to make it official and give us the final legal documents to make it a done deal. That means that since it's Day 31 the birth mom can't change her mind without a major battle. That means that I am breathing a little easier today.

So I don't feel totally different from yesterday although there is a lightness in my heart that wasn't there before today. I am getting to know my beautiful daughter and her many wants and needs. There are many so far... and the list will continue to grow!

Hadarya is an amazingly happy, calm baby girl. She eats about every 4 hours and is rarely fussy. Her best awake time is right now in the AM after a 7 AM bottle. She is hanging out in her swing borrowed from her playmate Maital. : ) THANK YOU MAITAL!

She has begun to focus on things and track movement with her eyes. It's so fun to watch her move her head around and look at the fish above. She is not so keen on having her diaper changed if she is very very hungry or still sleepy. Other times she just doesn't seem to let it bother her.

She loves being held and cuddled by all the wonderful friends, Aunts, Grandmas, and Grandpas who like to come visit. She also didn't mind being passed around from teacher to teacher at my work shower!

She has begun to find her voice and we love laying in our bed and listen to her stretch and groan and grunt and make all kinds of noises. This is usually around 6 AM and then she cries. She cries because she has learned (already!) that her Mommy and Daddy are not morning people and they like to get in as much sleep time as possible. So if she cries at 6 and her bottle isn't until at least 6:30 or 7 AM, she gets to get in bed with us and snuggle under our warm blankets, between our warm bodies, free of the cushion props holding her on her back in her own crib!

Yep... you can see that I am enamored with this adorable cutie pie who resides in my house. We go for her 1 month check up tomorrow and we'll see how much she's grown. For now, it's time to go grab her and hug her close because it's Day 31 and she's mine.

Nov 2, 2006

Waiting for it to feel different

Today is my birthday. I almost forgot. In the whirlwind of our lives in the last 3 1/2 weeks, my birthday (which I usually LOVE to celebrate) got lost in the back of my mind with more pressing issues at the front.

Like... how do I know how much to put in my daughter's bottle? do I let her cry a little or rock her until she is sound asleep and then put her in the bassinet? what if she doesn't burp her loud burps every time she eats? should she wear a cap every night to bed or will she be warm enough without it? should I worry that she slept 5 1/2 hours at a stretch and didn't eat inbetween? when will I feel different then I did a month ago?

See that's the thing I am waiting for the most. Will it happen when her room is all ready and I have no more running around errands to do? Will it happen if I just say no to everything and hang out for a few days in the house with her? ( I think I'd go a little stir crazy at that). Will it happen when the 30 days are over? How do I combat almost 3 years of struggles, pain, frustration, setbacks, and loss of time in less than a month? How do I make up for 9 months of gestation to plan, anticipate, complain, and get excited?

I sit here on my birthday that I almost forgot having had a deliciously wonderful day filled with lots of phone calls, cards, lunch with my mom and daughter, a dinner date with my husband, warm wishes from all my in-laws, a delightful conversation with my sister, and being sung to by my 2 1/2 year old nephew.

My gorgeous daughter is asleep in our room. I am experiencing a good tired from a busy day and although I was full of instructions for the babysitters (aka Grandma and Grandpa) I still am waiting for the moment in which I no longer feel like I am borrowing someone else's child and I begin to internalize the beauty of this miraculous event and all that happened in this time, then realize that my life as I knew it is gone. "Today is where my book begins and the rest is unwritten." (Unwritten. Natasha Bedingfield).